You Know Your Boundaries, So Why Don’t You Set Them? Boundaries in Practice

By Anahita Mehrdoust April 20th 2026

Do you know your boundaries?

Imagine you are already tired after a long day. Someone ask you for a favor. You feel a kind of immediate pull inside and think “I don't really have the energy for this.” But before you fully acknowledge it, you hear yourself say “Sure, no problem.” You smile. You adjust yourself to the plan. Somehow, you make it work. But what happened to that feeling that said no? What makes you move your need for rest so someone else’s request could take its place? 

We often believe that once we understand our boundaries, we will naturally lead them to action. But in real situations that translation is not so simple. The moment moves so quickly. Emotions, expectations, and pressures are the things that most probably are going to shape our response before we fully catch up with what we know. The problem here is not about understanding our boundaries. We understand them! It is about what happens to that understanding in real time?  

Boundaries Are Not What You Say, But What You Keep

It might seem like a contradiction but it is actually possible that we express a boundary clearly and still do not have one. Because words do not create limits on their own. Boundaries can be pointed to in words. We can even name them clearly in a moment of reflection or intention. But a boundary is not defined there. Instead, it will be defined in what happens after. For example, imagine a moment in a relationship, at the middle of an argument we might say, “I’m not okay with being called names when we argue.” At that moment, it feels clear. We even feel a sense of relief for finally saying it.

But then an argument happens again. It is at that exact moment that we can see if the boundary really exists or not! The tone changes. Words come out at the moment. Are you going to pause and remember your boundary? Or whether you let it pass this time, telling yourself it’s not the right moment to bring it up.

A boundary is not a single moment or a point. It is a pattern of staying aligned with what we have shared, especially when the situation invites us to move away from it. This invitation is often not very direct. It can appear as someone’s disappointment, a change in tone, a sense of urgency, or the desire to avoid tension. In these moments, our boundaries can be challenged and the question here is: Is there enough capacity to stay with them?

 Boundaries fade because keeping them requires something beyond intention. It requires the ability to remain with discomfort. To allow another person’s reaction without adjusting ourselves to manage it. Back to our example. You hear the word in the middle of an argument. Your body reacts before your thoughts catch up. There is a tightness in your body and a tension in the room. Maybe your partner is upset.  Maybe a part of you thinks, If I say something now, this will only get worse. This is what discomfort looks like. And to remain with discomfort means not moving away from that moment.

So, when the situation happens again, the moment when the question arises: is this boundary still here? For example, you might tell a colleague that you cannot take on extra work this week. At that moment, it feels clear and settled. But a few days later, they came back. This time with more urgency, or framed as a small favor or tied to a deadline that feels important. Nothing is exactly the same but the situation is familiar. The boundary is no longer about what you said earlier, but about whether you can stay with it now, in a slightly different form, under a bit more pressure. Over time, what we keep becomes more important than what we say. Our responses begin to create a predictable shape in our interactions. Others start to recognize where we stand. In this way a boundary becomes more about establishing continuity in how we relate to ourselves and others.

 Why Boundaries Feel Hard

Most of the time, we already know what feels right and what doesn’t. The challenge begins when that clarity meets a real situation. In such situations usually more than one thing is active at the same time; it could be about social expectations, emotional signals we are receiving or those unspoken need to protect connection. So the mind is going to process several possibilities at once: What will the other person think? Will this create tension? Is this the right moment to say it? These questions appear as a felt pressure that shifts attention away from the boundary itself and toward managing the situation as a whole.

We also need to be aware of the fact that boundaries are not set in isolation. They exist in the space between people, in the need of communication and in everyday life. In those spaces even small reactions can carry significant weight. These signals often affect how we act before we even think about it. Without noticing, the focus shifts from holding a boundary to keeping things smooth.  

Another reason why boundaries feel hard is about the speed of the moment we are experiencing. Real-life interactions do not stop to allow full reflection. Most of the time we become clear about what we should have done once the situation has already moved on. So there is a gap between real-time experience and the clarity we have later on. This timing gap is often where the boundary begins to weaken by momentum.

The Signs You Don’t Have a Boundary

Clear then. Unclear later: The first sign is that a boundary feels clear when you say it, but becomes less certain afterward. In the moment, you can express it with confidence. It sounds true, grounded, even simple. But later, you start to rethink it. You question whether it was too much, too strict, or necessary at all. On paper, the boundary is still there in your words. But in practice, it has already started to shift. You begin to adjust around it without fully noticing the change. This gap between what was said and what is later acted on is often the first sign that a boundary is not fully held.

I agreed. Something didn’t: Another sign shows up as a feeling inside after certain situations. You might say yes to something, agree, or go along with a request, but afterwards feel a quiet sense that something is off. It’s not always a strong emotion. Often it is small, more like a small tension, a feeling that you moved away from yourself, or that your response did not fully match what you actually wanted.

With you, yes. With them maybe: To recognize the next sign, we need to know that sometimes boundaries exist only in specific contexts. With some people or in certain situations they feel easy to hold. With others, they seem to disappear. This inconsistency often reveals that the boundary is not yet fully integrated. It depends on the level of pressure, familiarity, or relational importance at the moment.

I said no, now let me prove it: Another sign to notice is how much explanation follows your decisions. When a boundary is not fully held internally, there is often a need to justify it externally. You may find yourself adding reasons and clarifying your intent. Are you trying to reduce the possibility of misunderstanding? This is the sign! The boundary becomes something that needs to be defended in these situations.

Over time, these patterns point to a deeper distinction: the difference between having a boundary as an idea and having a boundary as an active position. In the first case, it is something you can describe clearly. In the second, it is something that shows up in how you respond in the situation that makes it difficult to maintain.

How Coaching Helps You Practice Boundaries

With the help of a life coach we can work on our boundaries. Instead of treating them as something to define more clearly in theory, the focus shifts to how they actually emerge in interaction. In the coaching space, boundaries are not discussed only as concepts, but observed as they begin to take shape in real time. We will notice the pause before answering, a softening of tone, or a quick agreement that happens. They are not judged or corrected, rather noticed as they are happening.

What makes this process different is that it interrupts automatic reactions without stopping the experience. With an added layer of awareness that a life coach gives us, we will be able to move away from ourselves and observe it from a distance. Over time, this creates a new kind of familiarity with staying present at the edge of discomfort. Coaching also introduces relational feedback that is difficult to access alone. Not in the form of advice, but in how our responses are experienced in the moment. How our agreement is perceived. How our hesitation is visible. How our presence shifts depending on the direction of the conversation. This feedback connects what we intend inside with what happens outside.

During time, this repeated exposure changes the way boundaries are formed. They begin to rely more on real-time awareness. Instead of trying to optimize what we will say in advance, there is a growing capacity to stay with ourselves while speaking, adjusting from within the moment rather than stepping out of it. In this sense, boundaries become less of a statement and more of a practiced position. At the same time, something would shift in our inner development and wellbeing. During time, there will be less inner tension around saying the “right thing” and more ease in simply staying present with what is true in the moment.